"!"
                       
 1501 • Book Scrumbells • 10/1/20
eddiots
I.T. Comics by eddieOttic
Scrumbells
MISSIONSTATEMENTIf you'rereading this,you're the firstperson whoever did.ORG CHARTI'm the boss.You're not.OPEN DOORPOLICYlol lol lol lolneroFiddler
Get Eddie's estimates on these 21 new Jira tickets.
Take
Long
Lunch
Bring
some
Donuts
Fart
into
Mic
Get
More
Coffee
Hide
Kim's
Mouse
Close
all
Jiras
scrumBell
That won't work. Eddie will never be able to do that.
helenWaite

Why not?
efloChart
Because he can't count to 21 with his pants on.
Scrumbells
Corporate software is always late and wrong. Whose fault is it? Not the managers. They're never wrong. Not the low-techies. They didn't write it. It has to be the programmers.

So what do managers do? They shove the latest theory du jour down the programmers' throats whether it makes sense or not. 4GL, CASE, 5S, Kanban, and just when it couldn't get less functional, the worst of all, Agile with it's wicked stepsister Scrum.

For 50 years we programmers have been telling our bossholes, "Tell us what you want, give us what we need, and stay out of our way." When we get that (rarely), hooray! When we don't (usually), we get Scrumbells. So all we can do is make comics and laugh. Finally, something that works.
Buy BookBack to TopBuy Collection
PROGRAMMERS' RESTAURANTS

[0] PF Chang's
[1] B.J.'s
[2] Chili's
[3] Red Robin
[4] Olive Garden
[5] TGIF
[6] Outback
kimPediment
We have to delete Olive Garden. Eddie's banned for life.
CoffeeTeaAdderallgaryRiggBREAKROOM
He took his pants off for the bottomless soup and salad.
AGILE
SUCKS
NOT ATEAMPLAYERBADEDDIETUDEeeEddieOttic
How was I supposed to know? I never got specs!
helenWaite
Congratulations. Everything went perfectly.
MISSIONSTATEMENTIf you'rereading this,you're the firstperson whoever did.ORG CHARTI'm the boss.You're not.OPEN DOORPOLICYlol lol lol lolneroFiddler
Yes. Your castration was a complete success.
conVicted
CASTRATION?
I was here for circumcision!
AGILE
SUCKS
NOT ATEAMPLAYERBADEDDIETUDEeEddieOttic
The Jira ticket said castration so that's what we did.
Reviews
Yesterday I bought this book. Today I'll read it. No blockers.
★★★★★
I wrote this book during 47 standups on mute. I love agile!
★★★★★
I've been waiting eons for this book. An epic retrospective!
★★★★★
Not one story in I.T.! So read this comic book instead.
★★★★☆
Eddie just doesn't understand what we do here. Neither do I.
★☆☆☆☆
$7 trillion to go agile ruined by one stupid comic book!
☆☆☆☆☆
Back to Top
CODE
COMPLETE
CODE
NOT
COMPLETE
ezachOverflow
I had a really good week. I closed seven tickets.
AGILE
SUCKS
NOT ATEAMPLAYERBADEDDIETUDEeeEddieOttic
Not me. I opened two.
Nbr of dayssince last bug: 0dunningKruger
We have too many open tickets!
AGILE
SUCKS
NOT ATEAMPLAYERBADEDDIETUDEeeEddieOttic
Don't blame Zach and me.
We closed five.
About Eddiots
This is a work of fiction inspired by real events I witnessed, endured, or instigated.

Every character and company is a composite of real people and places from my work life. I just changed the names to protect the incompetent.

Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or businesses, active or bankrupt, is either coincidental or unavoidable because these eddiots are everywhere!

Thanks to all you bossholes, players, liars, fakers, slackers, posers, jerks, cheaters, and producers of endless technical debt. I used to hate you but now I love you because I need no imagination. I just share forward the suffering you shared with me.

Buy BookBack to TopBuy Collection
Pig4
We did scope, discovery, analysis, and design.
So now we're ready to build the new system.
AGILE
SUCKS
NOT ATEAMPLAYERBADEDDIETUDEeEddieOttic
What are you going to build?
Pig4
No idea. We're usually fired before we make it this far.
Eddie Ottic has written 2 million lines of code for 94 firms in 50 years. There's a good chance something you own was built with his software.

He loves coding but hates going to work. Everywhere he's ever been had sufficient tech. None had sufficient management but plenty of bossholes.

When he says this, he's "not a team player". But when his comics say the same thing, others listen, laugh, and learn the inside truths no one else teaches. That's why he built eddiots.

He's a fair writer, a lousy artist, and a lazy developer. But combining them makes the magic vector art about his long I.T. incarceration. Read it, learn something, and most of all, have fun!

Buy BookBack to TopBuy Collection
AGILE
SUCKS
NOT ATEAMPLAYERBADEDDIETUDEeEddieOttic
How do you like my universal Date Assigner?
efloChart
Probably more accurate than what we're
using now.
width='344' height='260'>How to AssignPromise DatesCan wedo it?YesNoShouldwe do it?YesNoWho caresShouldwe do it?NoYesSo whatApril 1
Table of Contents
10 X Savings  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
7
21 Tickets  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
8
2 Inches Too Long  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
9
2 Tickets  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
10
300 Reports  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
11
3 Batches  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
12
3 Bears Of CAB  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
13
3 Bears Of Specs  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
14
3 Of Us 24 Of Them  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
15
44 Things Done  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
16
495 Tickets  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
17
5 Levels Deep  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
18
5 Whys  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
19
6 Weeks  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
20
AWS Prime  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
21
Adminbot  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
22
Again  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
23
All Day Foos  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
24
Always Complain  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
25
Artists 1   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
26
Artists 2   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
27
Artists 3   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
28
Artists 4   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
29
Artists 5   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
30
Ask Right  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
31
Auto Testing  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
32
Bad Quality  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
33
Bad Requirements  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
34
Bad Specs  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
35
Baseball  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
36
Because Effect  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
37
Beer Review  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
38
Below The Fold  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
39
Best Build  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
40
Best QA Week  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
41
Better Software  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
42
Bitching  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
43
Bottomless  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
44
Bug Fix  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
45
Bugs For Lunch  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
46
Build Impossible  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
47
CAB  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
48
Can Ban  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
49
Castration  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
50
Catch 44  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
51
Challenge Flag  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
52
Changes  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
53
Choose Two  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
54
Closing Tickets  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
55
Code Master  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
56
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Table of Contents
Colored Labels  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
57
Command Line  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
58
Communicator  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
59
Complex Simple  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
60
Consistency  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
61
Consultant Gig  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
62
Counting  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
63
Critical Bath  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
64
Criticize  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
65
Customer Needs  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
66
Date Assigner  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
67
Deadlines  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
68
Deal With It  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
69
Deep Drilling  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
70
Discussion Offline  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
71
Do The Right Thing  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
72
Doesnt Matter 2  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
73
Eddies Proxy  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
74
Empathy Caps  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
75
End The Project  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
76
Expediting  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
77
Family Scrum  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
78
Freeze Mode  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
79
Fuel Injection  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
80
Go To Helen  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
81
Gravity  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
82
Have Process  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
83
Help Desk Catch  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
84
Help Desk Like  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
85
Help From HR  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
86
Hire A Mgr  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
88
How Receipt  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
89
How To BA  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
90
How To Status  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
91
I Love Docs 1  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
92
I Love Docs 2  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
93
I Need  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
94
IT Diner 3   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
95
I Was Ghosted  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
96
Impedimental  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
97
Impediments  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
98
Impetiments  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
99
Inclusion  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
100
Infinite Cost  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
101
Jira Tickets  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
102
Just Ask Them  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
103
Learn Trick  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
104
Leon Background  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
105
Like An Idiot  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
106
Lottery Hack  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
107
Back to Top
Table of Contents
Metricbation  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
108
Metrics Meta  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
109
More Work  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
110
Mute  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
111
Mythical  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
112
Mythical Boss  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
113
Need Specs  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
114
Nested Busted  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
116
No Bugs  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
117
No Meetings  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
118
No Nero Project  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
119
No One Needs  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
120
No Promises  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
121
Not Approved  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
122
Not Deployed  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
123
Nothing Done  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
124
Octodev 1   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
125
Octodev 2   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
126
Octodev 3   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
127
Octodev 4   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
128
Octodev 5   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
129
Overtime  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
130
Perfection  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
131
Phone Play  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
132
Play Clock  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
133
Poker  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
134
Politician  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
135
Precise Promise  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
136
Prerequisites  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
137
Process Profile  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
138
Project Mgr  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
139
Project Plan  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
140
Project Useless  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
141
Quota For B As  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
142
Quota For Mgrs  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
143
Quote Ancient  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
144
Quote Lincoln  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
145
ROI  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
146
Reduce Overhead  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
147
Removal  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
148
Replace Jira  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
149
Req Review  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
150
Roulette  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
151
SDLC  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
152
Same Process  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
153
Scrum Reports  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
154
Short Pregnancy  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
155
Should Have  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
156
Slit Lists  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
157
Spec Review  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
158
Back to Top
Table of Contents
Special Needs  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
159
Specs Video  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
160
Standups  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
161
Status Report  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
162
Stories  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
163
Tech Specs  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
164
Tell Me A Story  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
165
Test Review  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
166
Ticket To Ride  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
167
Too Slow  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
168
U 2  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
169
Ugly Colors  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
170
User How  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
171
User Manager  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
172
User Question  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
173
Users Talk  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
174
VRIT Dept  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
175
Variation  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
176
Wandas Job  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
177
Were Screwed  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
178
What Users Want  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
179
When Done  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
180
When What  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
181
Who Decides  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
182
Whos Bad  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
183
Why Sprint  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
184
Worst Waterfall  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
185
Writing  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
186
Wrong Is Worse  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
188
Wrong Specs  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
189
Back to Top
Copy
Time
Sheet
Close
all
Jiras
Bring
some
Donuts
Bet
on
Bears
Ignore
SOX
Audit
Take
Long
Lunch
scrumBell
OK, moving right along. Eddie's turn.
MAKEUP
SHOES
STUFF
CLOTHES
COFFEE
OPRAH
ebettyOttic
Yesterday he wrote software. Today he's helping me. No impediments.
Nbr of dayssince last bug: 0dunningKruger
Who the heck are you? Where's Eddie?
MAKEUP
SHOES
STUFF
CLOTHES
COFFEE
OPRAH
ebettyOttic
I'm his mother. He's cleaning my garage. You gotta problem with that?
If you buy enough comic books, no more stand-ups. Please! Please! Buy a book!
eddiots.com
Wanna know who I am? Buy a comic book. Eddie will unmask me on Day 33847382.
eddiots.com
Back to Top
BUY $5
Only 1.823¢
per laugh!
The specs are on Server 7, Directory 27b, Folder 11.23a.
Ghost
CoffeeTeaAdderallgaryRiggBREAKROOM
The specs are on Server 7, Directory 27b, Folder 11.23a.
CLOSED TICKETSadd Std Costadd Box IDsadd WIP Reportadd AWS APIadd XML feedadd Dropdownadd colorsOPEN TICKETSfix Std Costfix Box IDsfix WIP Reportfix AWS APIfix XML feedfix Dropdownfix colorspaulaNomial
How could you possibly know that?
CoffeeTeaAdderallgaryRiggBREAKROOM

I was ghosted.

eddiots Comic Books!
eddiots
by eddieOttic
NOHELLNOAGILEPLANNINGBOARDJANFEBMARAPRMAYJUNJULAUGOCTNOVDECYOU WANT IT WHEN?LOL LOL LOL LOL2025  2026  2027  2028WHERE'STHE STORYASK THEPRODUCTOWNERNEXTSPRINTSEP
Agiletated
eddiots
by eddieOttic
Bondage
eddiots
by eddieOttic
Bossholes
eddiots
by eddieOttic
 OVERHEAD
 I.T. DEPT
COST $5M.
With 1 Manager  $ 20M.
With 2 Managers   60M.
With 3 Managers 140M.
With 4 Managers 170M.
With CIO $200M
Busimess
eddiots
by eddieOttic
Code Nuts
eddiots
by eddieOttic
 
eddietude
eddiots
by eddieOttic
Eddieficial
Intelligence
eddiots
by eddieOttic
$100   $100   $100  $100$200   $200   $200  $200$300   $300   $300  $300$400   $400   $400  $400
SUPPLY
CHAIN
NO
BUGS
BIG
DATA
DOG
FOOD
Favorites
eddiots
by eddieOttic
Git a
Job!
eddiots
by eddieOttic
Haz Math
eddiots
by eddieOttic
Low Tech
eddiots
by eddieOttic
Manajerks
eddiots
by eddieOttic
Scrumbells
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by eddieOttic
Slackers
eddiots
by eddieOttic
Crap-for-Less
Employee Trivia Game
Compete for Fun and Prizes!
1st Place: $100
2nd Place: $50
3rd Place: $25
30 second time limit per question
  Join Game
Stories
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by eddieOttic
Tiny Tales


Temp Offer Expires at the Singularity!
Get all 16 Comic Books
for $39!
(reg $5 ea)
Tap on a Book
To see Inside
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$80
$39
MAKEUP
SHOES
STUFF
CLOTHES
COFFEE
OPRAH
ebettyOttic
Hey brainiacs! Don't forget my Eddie's first puzzle book!
LSOBSHESO
My variable names suck!
Help me be a team player!
Descrumble My Variables
What's the surprise answer?
200 NEW Puzzles
Scrumbles
for
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eddieOttic
Comic Engineer
contact: eddiots at gmail

Eddie's Favorite Comics
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